He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
