It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
