hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
