How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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