my text book just quoted the cookie monster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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