Just mADE A PArabola og urine
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
