I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
