i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
