I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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