Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dick very happy bro
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
