I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
