Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
