I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
