Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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