Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize