a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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