Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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