The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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