I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
