after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I AM VODKA MAN
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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