you win again, gameday.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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