If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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