he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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