so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
