One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
