I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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