ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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