thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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