I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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