New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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