So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
