I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
