i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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