Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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