There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
