Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
