Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
where are you?
Hypothermia
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
