My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
