Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
