you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
