Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
