I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
