I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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