I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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