Will you blow on my dice?
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Barsexuality is the new black.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
