i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
