How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
