Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I supernannyed him into submission
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
