I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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