She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
We were destined to go to rehab together
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
