I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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