Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
