I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
