I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you win again, gameday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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