we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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