My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
