if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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