just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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