my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
